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Monday, August 25, 2008

Jewish singers 'band' together in latest Lifa controversy 

The Crooklyn Beagle reports that Jewish singers have had it already with all the attention that Hasidic Pop star Lifa Seltzer has been getting due to all the Rabbinic bans. The Orthodox Union of Singrs, OUs, as they are now collectively called, say that it is unfair that Lifa should now be all the way at the top just because they tried to bring him down. "It's just plain not right!", said a noticeably upset Mortimer Pen Davis. "I have been stealing songs for decades from Goyishe rock bands, but have never seen such a surge in popularity due to a major league Rabbinical ban." The former 'King of Hasidic Music' continued, "Yeah, I know I was banned in my day, but it really did nothing for me compared to this."

The Beagle then interviews Sephardy singing sensation Yahab Shnooky, who is on his way to Israel to perform at a banned concert. "You see", Mr. Shnooky slyly replies, "I have the fortune of being Sephardy and therefore I am not bound to the Ashkenazy Hasidic bans. While all the other singers are tied in knots, I have a chief Rabbi that I can go to as a shield against the madness." He continues, "I did although cash-in somewhat on the whole ban story because they tried to bring me down but couldn't, so ultimately I guess I have nothing to be jealous of Lifa for." "You see", he continued, "even though I have no idea how to dance onstage, I am now a star too." Yahab did however explain to the Beagle that being Sephardic does have a downside. He said that because of his Sephardic heritage he can't eat cream cheese and lox due to the Beis Yosef's ban which they strictly adhere to.

Another Hasidic singer named Feedle, who recently released an album after years of silence, weighed in on the issue. "This is why people have no respect for the justice system", he said with noticeable agitation in his voice. "Here I am with multiple accusations of statutory rape of young girls, and never have I been banned as badly as Lifa. Not even one Rav has come out against me. Now I ask you is that fair? Do I not deserve at least a tiny little Kol Korah? How long will I have to suffer in infamy?"

The last Hasidic singer to graciously give of his precious time for the interview was all-time Hasidic mega-star Afharam Preet. "Oy what can I say?", Mr. Preet thoughtfully said while tugging on his ample beard. "You see, it was bashert from the one above that Lifa should become such a big star. No ban in the world can take away from someone something that is coming to them. Everyone thought that the bans were worthless. You see Chevra, they are worth something. They helped to bring a 'Poshite Yid' that is mesameach thousands daily to true gadlus."

The Crooklyn Beagle tried to contact other Hasidic singers such Hatisfahu, but he was busy searching for himself among various Hasidic sects while getting buzzed from banana peels and besomim. The Beagle also tried to contact BEBI, Wisfoel Strikiler and Shmolo Gacks but they were nervously clutching their CD's that they had recorded years ago and were heard chanting, "We are not over, we are not gone!"

DISCLAIMER: This entire article is purely fictional and was meant as a political satire only. All characters and facts mentioned above are entirely fictional. Any resemblance in the above to any person dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Comments:
Fantastic! I LOVE IT. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Great Job, and yet, Sad, but True...

 

"purely coincidental"

 

This is an outrage!! Where is your KOVOYD HATOYROH??!! We must enforce the ban!!

 

*snicker*

KavoYd HatoYroh??? Heh... Why start now?

 

Yossel said...
This is an outrage!! Where is your KOVOYD HATOYROH??!! We must enforce the ban!!

August 26, 2008 1:04 PM

Rebbi Leiben, we all have Kovod L'torah the problem is that we have people quoting the torah in such a manner that they deserves no respect. The ban is not what will keep kid religious, if you think that by banning everything is an answer, you should know that the only thing that your doing is pushing the kids away. Stop banning everything and start using what you have to enhance da'at.

 

Great work, mr. Shlaptzem!!!

 

.Color war IS here..is this another 'breakout??? Huh, Lifa???Great job! Camp shma novi thinks so too!

 

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